Day 2

My true love, she's doing it to me again this year!

Now I have two pear trees. It's too early to plant them, so I've moved them to the garage. The partridges are pooping on the truck.

I learned from last year and released the two turtle doves into the back yard, where the local red-tailed hawks will make a snack of them.

Clearing space in the freezer for the French Hens.

Day 3

Still, my True Love persists in her exorbitant gifts, despite my protests.

Three French hens were not as easy to dispatch and pluck as I had hoped, but they are now in the deep freeze. Wondering what I might do with this bag of feathers.

Again, I released the two turtle doves (total of four now) to the back yard. I saw two hawks were waiting for them this morning.

A third fruit tree now in the garage, and the partridges refuse to leave the premises. I'm getting a cat.

Day 4

Today my true love delivered four blackbirds, or "colly birds" they used to be called. I'm preparing a pie crust in expectation of more.

Three more French hens. More neck-wrenching, more plucking, more feathers, and more space in the deep freeze. I may need to rent more freezer space.

The hawks had to fight some owls for the two turtle doves when I hurled them out the back door.

I may have to move the truck out of the garage. Four pear trees and a mess, literally, of partridges.

Anticipating what's next, I'm negotiating to repurchase the farm I sold last Spring.

Day 5

I had hoped my true love would give me the gift of some jewelry I could hawk to pay for things, but instead I received five ring-necked pheasants.

Heck with it. Pheasants, blackbirds, hens, doves, partridges, they're all tossed into the yard where a growing number of raptors and owls have gathered.

Day 6

Six geese a-laying? Geese aren't laying at Christmas time. They retain the wild trait of seasonal laying, generally in spring. They're just crapping everywhere and chasing after anyone who comes near. Noisy, too.

I'm hoping we get some predators like coyotes to get rid of them, the way the hawks and owls have been taking care of the
ring-neck pheasants, black "colly" birds, French hens, doves, and partridges.

At least I've found a local nursery to take all these pear trees away, although they won't take them until after the 6th.

Talking to my lawyer about getting a restraining order against my "true love."

Day 7

I can't take much more of this. Today, on top of all the usual agglomeration of twenty-one avians, and another pear tree, my "true love" sent me seven swans. There's no place for them to be swimming, so they're running around in my yard, chasing the few remaining geese.

Do you have any idea how big a swan is? These suckers have a wingspan of, like, nine feet. And they're definitely not domesticated. They're wild, powerful, and aggressive. I see why a bunch of them is called a "lamentation."

The raptors and owls, quite a flock of them gathered now to feast on the other smaller birds, won't bother the swans.

What has my "true love" got against me? Lawyer is still working on that restraining order.

Local animal control called. They're coming by tomorrow because of the neighbors' complaints.

Day 8

Local animal control officials showed up at my door just as a big delivery truck arrived and began delivering today's gifts from my "true love."

I was given a stiff fine for running an unlicensed aviary, for the twenty-eight birds added to what remained of the previous days' gifts, when a large cattle truck pulled up and began off-loading dairy cows. Then a bus pulled up and eight plump Germanic milkmaids, each carrying a small stool and a wooden bucket, came into the crowded yard and began their work relieving the clamoring cattle.

The animal control officer completely lost his mind, wrote me a huge fine, threatened me with jail time if I didn't take care of these farm creatures, and said he was calling ICE about the milkmaids. Like it was my fault!

Another day, another pear tree. I dread tomorrow.

Day 9

Twenty-eight more birds and another pear tree are nothing compared to what else my "true love" has given me. Mostly, legal troubles and a whopping big headache.

As if I didn't already have enough trouble with ICE because of the sixteen hefty German milkmaids, now today I've got nine frantically dancing Russian ballerinas. I don't know what they're on, but they just keep dancing and jumping and twirling all over the house. They're cute, but this is madness.

I did contact an Amish farmer who will take the dairy cattle herd. Also, he said he's a widower with a large house so he would gladly take in the milkmaids as well. So, some relief.

The lawyer says the restraining order will go into effect in a couple of days. Can't wait.

Day 10

Ten lords a-leaping? I think the order got mixed up. I've got ten toads. They're
getting stepped on by the eighteen cocaine-fueled Russian ballerinas. Horrible mess.

The Amish farmer said he'll take the additional eight dairy cattle, but he's got enough milkmaids, so I'm stuck with the ones for today.

Another twenty-eight feathered nuisances. I've assigned the German cow-free milkmaids to wring their little necks.

And another pear tree in the garage.

I wonder if I can tip the delivery guys to deliver to some other address tomorrow?

Day 11

Eleven pipers piping at least give some music for the emaciated twenty-seven Russian ballerinas to dance to, except every piper seems to be playing a different tune.

The Lords a-Leaping order has been corrected, so now instead of toads, I have eleven Lords in my living room. Unfortunately, they seem to be Vice Lord gangsters.

Meanwhile, the Amish farmer says that both the dairy cattle and the German milkmaids he took on are diseased, so he sent them back, and now there's forty of each crowding my yard. And that much cow flop really stinks.

The lawyer says the restraining order goes active on Monday. I just have to survive tomorrow.

But I have a plan. All the swans, geese, pheasants, colly birds, hens, and partridges that are left have been put in cages, awaiting my big surprise for tomorrow.

Gonna have a nice pear orchard when this is all over, though.

Day 12

So, one day before the restraining order goes into effect, my "true love" [sarc] sends me the usual, plus twelve drumming Dutch drummers. Like the piping Polish pipers, they're all on a different beat.

But they were the perfect final touch to put my plan into effect. I lined up all the drummers, vice lords, pipers, dancers, and milkmaids, gave them each a cage of swans, geese, blackbirds, colley birds, doves, and partridges, opened the door, and led them out my front gate, herding the cattle with us.

Down the road we roared, drumming, piping, leaping, dancing, mooing, squawking, honking, tweeting, and cooing. In a matter of minutes, we were set upon by local police, agricuture agents, and ICE. At that moment, all the avians were set free, some flying off, some honking and chasing various paraders and police around.

The officials took the whole mess off my hands, every bird, bovine, gangster, and illegal alien.

I should be out on bail tomorrow, and will get to return to my disheveled, cow-flopped, but finally solitary home.

There's some kind of disease killing all the pear trees. At least I can chop them up for firewood.

Should be a good rest of the winter.

So, before they hauled me off to jail, I met this new girl…