Cascade of chaotic catastrophe

Thinkin' we'd start y'all off with a little actual nature-o'genic global climate weirdness. You've been getting some of it lately. Like it? Now with extra-wide tornadoes!

Then when you're hunkered down against the weather, we pop that ol' Madras fault line, while throwing a few more meteors down on Russia so they don't feel left out, and a special treat you'll really like that we call the Tehran Terraformer.

After you think it's about as bad as it gets, we'll warm your backsides with a nice cheery direct hit from a massive coronal ejection. Without all that pesky electricity, you'll really be able to enjoy alla pretty sky lights.

Then it's time to bring in the Big Guns. What would you say to simultaneous supervolcanoes in Yellowstone and Indonesia? Such a deal, eh?

But wait! There's more! Once all of that has you pretty sure that, despite everything, living in your underground shelters, humanity will survive, that's when when we launch that sweet asteroid of oblivion from the cosmic crossbow.

Or, git rid that Commie bastard in the White House and all his conniving cronies, turn back to God, and watch your land heal. Yourrrrr choice. Take your time. You've got all the time in the world....